I’m Depressed, but It’s Okay.

If you rummaged through my social media and met me, you would think that I am just a happy go lucky girl who’s positivity was all natural.

 

It’s not, it’s me coping with my ever looming anxiety trying to make you feel less bad for me. In my mind, so many bad things are going on, thoughts of the possibility of my fiance cheating on me, my family and friends realizing that I’m a loser who hasn’t tried to do anything with her life, or that my dogs will all of sudden stop loving me.

 

As a teen I was depressed, I was overweight and not as pretty as my friends, I had crushes on boys who thought I was a like a sister, I had good grades in school but not the best and I always felt a little empty inside. I was never told I was good enough and for a long time, I believed I wasn’t, even at 27 I still feel this way. There was a point in my senior year that I thought I would just kill myself, I was already into self mutilating, cutting myself and lying about it. I sat in my room and thought how easy it would be just to hang myself. So I tried, I went to into my bedroom closet, grabbed a long sleeve short and tied it around my neck, I placed the remaining part of the shirt onto the closet rod. I drifted for maybe 5 seconds when I realized that the length of time it would take for my neck to break was far longer time than I had. My dad noticed something wrong, he had seen my arms and legs and knew that I was hurting myself, he screamed at me that night; he broke my phone in his anger. I was scared, that moment scared me, but didn’t change how I felt. My best friend German told me that I was selfish for trying to commit suicide; he tried to put in perspective the amount of people who would be affected. I didn’t think of it that way, I only thought that with me gone it would be better for everyone else. It wasn’t until that moment did I realize there was something wrong with how I felt about things.

 

I became aware, but I never really seeked any counseling, I don’t want anyone to pass judgment on me or feel sorry for me. Depression and anxiety doesn’t happen to me, they’re a part of me, but I’ve learned to live with it. The little episodes happen and I embrace them, I write about them, talk about them even if no one is listening and I let it happen. Little things trigger my anxiety, whether it’s a big event or something small like a messy space. I am really thankful that I have the support of my fiance, he is so reassuring and lets me know that everything will be okay and even though it takes some time, I do believe him. Some times, I do want to be left alone, where I don’t sleep at night because my anxious thoughts keep me up at night. My thoughts are powerful and debilitating but I refuse to let it get the best of me.

 

I put a smile on my face and give myself some positive thoughts, but take it all with a grain of salt.

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It’s Hard Out There for a Victim

I am really dumb founded at the outcome of these well publicized rape trails, I hate saying it but I really do believe that that there is such thing as White Male Privilege in the Justice System.

 

Let’s see, if these crimes were done by people who are on the tanner side of the spectrum, they would be in prison for more than 6 weeks. But no, these white, male teenagers have been privileged to know that society doesn’t want to see them fail, but to grow from their “mistakes.”

 

The mistake was allowing them to believe that they’re better than anyone else and that the crime that you committed wasn’t as severe. Not wanting to ruin the lives of these boys, I will never consider them to be men, is a way of justifying their actions. What do you think happens to the young women and men they’ve assaulted, what do you think happens to them mentally? Their lives are ruined, not only is what happened to them physically damaging, but it’s also emotionally, mentally and at times socially as well. How do you think these victims are supposed to react when they know their attacker is out there scot-free?
I would be horrified, worried constantly about having to watch my back.

 

So why, why do we allow this to continue on, will there be vigilantes that will defend us, because God knows that our Justice System if you’re a sexual assault victim. They look at you and believe that you might have taken some part in the actions. Drinking too much, wearing clothing that would provoke cat callers, stop blaming the victim and look at it on a larger scale. If you believe that alcohol is the reason why rape happens, go to a bar filled with intoxicated people, do you see people openly raping one another, NO! These actions are done because the perpetrator wanted to do them, they weren’t forced to rape their victim, they did it on their own accord.

 

We need a justice system that will truly seek justice in these countless cases, we need a justice system that victims aren’t afraid to run to in these cases, because from what I see, they victimize the perpetrator and shame the victim.

Pit Bull Love

 

This is Nala, she’s a red nose pit bull and I love her to death.

 

When I first started dating Bryan he was living in Point Loma with his roommates Jimmy and Rachel, they had two pit bulls, DJ (Duke Junior) and Nala. At first there I was extremely scared of these two dogs, there were incidents when DJ would just pounce on me and even growl at me. For a whole year whenever I stayed over at Bryan’s house there needed to be a baby gate put up to ensure my safety.

 

In the evening when it was just Bryan and I alone at the house, he would have the pit bulls in Jimmy and Rachel’s room, I could hear Nala crying asking to come out, and I looked at Bryan and asked if he could bring her out. He opened the door and she ran out so excited, I sat there patiently, and she slowly moved closer to me, giving me licks and laying by my side. From that point we were best friends, she wanted to lay in bed with us and wanted me to drape her in my scarves and jewelry. DJ started coming around too, he would wait outside of the baby gate and hear us give praises and love to Nala, he wanted in on the action too.

 

At this time, Jimmy’s mom Susie moved into the room across the way from Bryans and she too had a huge dog named Buddy, Buddy wasn’t the brightest but he was the biggest dog I had ever seen. Just as DJ started coming around Buddy attacked DJ which caused him to lose so much blood. He laid in Jimmy’s room doped up on so many pain killers and I came in to give him so affection. I lay my hand across his aching body and told him that he would be just fine and that we were there to protect him. Something changed in DJ right after the incident and began to be gentle towards me; he would give me so many kisses as I walked in and jumped on me to give me pit bull hugs. He and Nala would come into our room and wake us up in the morning and lay in our queen size bed. They were over protective of me, even when Bryan would scream at the TV, DJ would jump on top of me and bark at Bryan to stop.

 

When we all had to move out, it was so hard not seeing their faces every day, but eventually they would be able to stay over a couple of times.

 

Then days turned into months, and months turned into years and then Bryan got news from Jimmy saying Nala was sick. She had a bad infection in Point Loma, but they were able to fix her right up, this was a different scenario, there was something more serious going on.

 

It was cancer.

 

Cancer is the scariest, most bone trembling word anyone can every hear, at this day and age I feel as if everyone’s been effected by Cancer one way or another. Nala’s vets tell us that she’s not going to live for much longer and that broke my hair. There’s a tumor in her nose and it has slowly started spreading to her eyes, after not seeing her for a little over two years, I finally got to see Nala and DJ. I was afraid that they wouldn’t recognize me and it broke my heart. I entered Jimmy and Rachel’s new house and they instantly ran towards me with so much happiness. There was so much kisses and tears from everyone, I hugged Nala and instantly we were both in tears, yes she and I both. She gave me a kiss and held her so tight, I told her I loved her and she cried, she smiled when I wrapped her very own scarf around her neck. She looked just like the same old Nala, it was only when I looked for it did I see her tumor, it was large and made her look like a Bull Terrier, all I cared about at that point was to make her happy. It was so bittersweet, it had taken so long for me to see them and here I finally was. DJ at points of his excitement would come to the couch, jump up to me as if to hug be and gave me the biggest kisses I had ever received from him.

 

When we were setting out to go back home, Nala refused to give me a kiss goodbye, I had to beg her, she sat there crying not wanting us to go. I cried for a while, especially because I did not want either one of them to think that I had loved them any less and for the possibility that they might have felt abandoned by Bryan and I. I hope that this isn’t the last time I see Nala alive and happy, I hope that the tumor magically goes away and she is healthy again.

 

Love your pets, you are their entire worlds.

 

Free the People

Free People did the craziest thing I have ever seen them do last Friday and everyone went absolutely crazy.

 

No they weren’t giving away free puppies, I wish, they were giving an additional 50% off discount on their sale items, which included tons of shoes, clothes, hair accessories, handbags, all that good good!

 

Of course I wasn’t going to miss out on this opportunity, I made it a point to only shop online because the stores would definitely be a hot mess with long lines out the door, trust me I shopped that random 10 for $35 Victoria’s Secret Panty Sale and I waited in line for over an hour!

 

No, no, no, no, no!

 

My first order, yes first, included a cross body bag and a blouse, I placed the order with some minor issues but we won’t talk about that. After another hour passes by I look at the site again and find even more goodies, which created my last order, did I mention that they were also providing FREE SHIPPING, it was like the Free People Goddesses were smiling down on me shouting, “Shop, shop some more!” I had to restrain my use of my credit card, which was for the good. $65 for a two blouses, a dress and a cross body bag, I wish I would have bought more, I really do, that my friends is my only regret!

 

My first order, which was partial, arrived Monday, my second order arrived Tuesday and my last item which was from my first order arrived today, Wednesday 27th! I looked again at their sale portion of their site and it went from 64 pages of just tops to 17 pages, that was so crazy.

 

Here’s my order…

 

 

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Coastal Scents Order Review

I am going to do you guys a solid and trust me when I say that the images on Coastal Scents is so misleading that you’ll say to yourself, “What the hell did I just order.”

 

I’ll provide photos from my order confirmation and a photo of the delivered goods and you can make form your own decision.

 

So, I had originally received a $5 off discount for my online purchase and I was excited to know that it was only $1.95 per piece, $10 a piece at MAC or $12 a piece at Anastasia, so I searched through the each page searching for the perfect hue of rose gold, I was ecstatic when I actually found some good candidates and I quickly placed them in my cart. Upon checkout though, the site prompted a 20% off code which didn’t make sense because I was only purchasing $16 worth of shadows, well the system deleted my $5 off code and replaced it with the 20% discount instead, I couldn’t undo their error, so I had to stick with the discount I didn’t want.

 

Other than that annoyance, they did arrive in a timely manner so that I will praise them on, but when I opened my package I felt a sense of confusion, the photos in my order confirmation were completely different from my actual order! What the F!? I mean the pinkish gold tones I had seen online were completely muted and brown even?! Ugly! Nothing like what I had ordered.

 

When I emailed their customer service they directed me to a link showing a disclaimer, that the images on their website may differ considering the resolution of your screens. What? Are you kidding, that’s some bullshit excuse to say they are misleading their clients to purchasing their merchandise? This disclaimer is not on the order form, not throughout checkout, and not under the description of the product itself. They state that you have to look through the companies’ policies and search for that particular disclaimer. It’s there but it’s not visible unless you search for it. Don’t bother to purchase their product, you get what you pay for, trust me on this.

The Balding Bride

You know, seeing patches of missing hair on my scalp doesn’t really scare me as much as it did in the very beginning. I don’t have health insurance so I can’t just go to a doctor to be referred to a dermatologist to learn that I may or may not have a form of alopecia. My mother has thinner hair now than when she did when she was my age and my dad has a full head of hair, so yes it was traumatizing at first, but now I think I’ve learned to numb the fear and move on.

 

Fortunately for me these patches are very hard to see unless I show you, but it still doesn’t make me feel any better. I can honestly say that I’ve only discussed the hair loss with 5 people, who include my parents, my fiancé, my best friend Eddie and my friend Janette. I feel kind of ashamed in a way discussing it with anyone else and I worry that they’ll judge me for it, but I feel so much more at peace voicing it out in my blog.

 

The first blog that I read, had a girl who was a ballerina and working at a stressful job which in turn had her lose her hair, she showed pictures of her hair line and I was so scared at first that I thought if I stopped reading then it wouldn’t true and that what I was going through wasn’t the same. Right now they are small patches, ¾ quarters the length of my thumb, my newest one is closer to my hair line and is the size of a dime. Unlike the ballerina, her hair loss was moving in at an awfully rapid speed, mine I suppose has been going on for some time with my notice. My mom insisted that it is all caused by stress and that my hair would grow back in six months, so I’ve used that to build my confidence that this too will subside. I look at the thumb sized patch and find a little hope at the hair follicles trying to push through. I try not to worry about it too much because there is so much more important things going on in my life.

 

I’m going to be marrying my best friend in 15 months and I’ve kind of dubbed myself “The Balding Bride,” I laugh at it but deep down I am absolutely terrified that it’s happening. Bryan is extremely supportive, especially with my holistic approach, I’ve been using a tea tree oil and tea tree oil scalp conditioner in hopes that a miracle will happen. But if worst comes to worst, then I can get a cool wig that’s already styled and colored the way I want and I don’t have to waste my money on styling products, shampoo, conditioners, hair cuts and colors, those are all upsides to this down spiraling story. In the meantime I will continuously apply tea tree oil unto the balding patches, massage scalp oil into my hair and let the surprisingly satisfying sting of tea tree conditioner into my scalp. What can go wrong right, I lose my hair? It’s already happening so the only thing I can do is wait for my potions to work and hope for the best.

The Journey…

If you’re reading this and you find yourself wanting to grow up faster, I want to tell you to wait and enjoy the journey, you’ll get to your destination eventually but if you don’t get lost along the way it won’t be worth it.

 

When I was younger I would write myself letters hoping that the older me was prettier, smarter, more successful with a closet that would make any girl jealous, I hoped that I was in love and wished such good things for myself, even asking that if I had a Chanel bag yet. I would never get to answer myself but if I did this is what I would say…

 

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and on the days that we feel the ugliest there is a handsome man telling us the opposite, he is the knight in shinning armor that we have been waiting for, and damn was the wait worth it. I love him and he loves me, but before meeting him there was a lot of heart break but we never let those bring us down. We dusted ourselves off even when it felt like things couldn’t get better and we remained strong. Understand that loving someone so much only allows us to be vulnerable to unimaginable pain and loss when the love is gone, so know that with pain there will be healing and what doesn’t kill does make you stronger.

 

We have always been smart, though our decisions may not have always been the brightest; it has molded us to who we are today. I wish that I was a successful publicist, or designer or business woman we both wanted so badly to be, but working in the industry it was really easy to lose our soul and our minds. Right now we work in a little office in Old Town working for people who actually care about our well being and want us to succeed, one day when I truly know what I want with my life I will make another journey to make sure that I am successful in the way I want to be.

 

Our Prince Charming basically built us the Walk in Closet, from the fixtures to the shelves; he did that all, we did help but he took our vision and went with it. We have really nice things, beautiful clothes, handbags and shoes, everything you had wanted as a little girl but as we have gotten older the material things start to under weigh what is really important in life and that my dear is time. Time to spend with our family and friends, time to understand who we are becoming, time is the most critical thing and often forgotten. I am so thankful that my journey thus far has brought so much into my life, great friends, a better relationship with my parents, two baby bears provide unconditional love and a wonderful fiancé who has stood by my side through the good and bad.

 

Understand that we are lucky because we did not live a world of fear but embraced all the changes and has never let it consume us.”

 

Wanting to grow up isn’t bad, but don’t forget to take a moment and just enjoy it all.

Hair Today, Rogaine Tomorrow?

I wrote my initial blog Hair Distress almost 2 months ago and I am just writing a little follow up.

 

My hair has always been my identifier in the crowd; I have always had long luscious shinny black hair that was naturally straight. When Bryan saw the little patchy oblong spot of baldness I brushed it off, it was only a few months later when I noticed it for myself. It was horrifying to see that a bald spot on the side of my head.

 

I don’t have any current photos, but you can definitely see the hair follicles trying to come out. Just recently maybe a week ago I noticed a small balding spot on my hair line as well, it’s not noticeable because I part my hair straight down the middle, but when I fuss with my actual hair you can see a little gap. This spot was not like the one on the side of my head, this one was clean, no follicles in sight and it makes me cringe.

 

I talked to my mom when I first noticed the spotting and she said that stress can trigger it, her hair was thinning with age but there was no sign of alopecia amongst anyone on my family line.

 

Today, as I was reading through my junk mail, a Free People blog reviewed the benefits of Tea Tree Oil, on the bottom of the article it had a recipe for a DIY Tea Tree Scalp, they’ve stated that tea tree oil will promote hair re-growth. I am hoping, crossing all fingers, toes, legs and arms hoping that this will ease my nervous mind. Wish me luck, I will post updates soon!

 

 

Here’s the recipe!

DIY Tea Tree Scalp Oil

Ingredients:

10-15 drops tea tree oil

Carrier oil (jojoba, olive, avocado, almond…)

Resealable light-blocking bottle

Fill your glass bottle 3/4 of the way full with your carrier oil. Add the tea tree oil and mix.

To use: Warm a few drops of tea tree mixture between your palms. Massage oil into scalp. Leave on for an hour or two or up to overnight, then shampoo and condition as normal. Repeat regularly to stimulate the scalp, promote hair growth and keep scalp problems, like dandruff, away.

Source: Wellness Encyclopedia: Talking Tea Tree + Hydrating Hair Oil http://blog.freepeople.com/2016/06/wellness-encyclopedia-tea-tree-oil-hydrating-hair-oil/#ixzz4CWASyyFY

Road Trippp

Last week Bryan and I took an Anniversary Vacation and it was definitely memorable!

 

With our new schedules, we’ve been able to spend a lot more time together but this time together was very much needed. We packed up our fur babies, Dakota and Kodiak along with 4 days of clothing and off we went. Bryan’s parents live in LA so we use their home as a base camp, spending our first day and night before a very long drive to San Francisco!

 

Road Trip Do’s and Don’t’s

  • DO top off all your fluids in your car – You don’t want to overheat anything
  • DO bring your own water – Gas Stations charge 25 cents for Ice Cups
  • DO bring sun protection – Sunglasses and Sun Block
  • DO bring hand sanitizing wipes or gel – We were in a Gas Station where the toilet had flies
  • DO have good tunes Driving for long periods of time can be draining, good music always helps
  • DO use the restroom at every stop Go even if you don’t need to, it’ll save you from the pain later
  • Do keep your navigational devices and phones charged – It will not be fun to have dead electronics
  • Do have treats for those fur babies if they get a little restless. Fortunately Kodiak and Dakota slept through the drive.
  • DO NOT over spend on snacks – I learned the hard way, Bryan and I took turns driving to San Francisco and we honestly did not have time to eat snacks along the way, someone was always sleeping
  • DO NOT use your card at remote gas stations – I carried cash specifically for this reason
  • DO NOT be a “Negative Nancy” – Road trips are long and tiring but the journey is the best part

 

Road Trips in general can be very stressful, make sure you are driving a reliable car that you know can make the journey to your destination. It’s fucking terrifying to drive in brand new city and not know if your car will make the drive through. Especially with short trips you want to make it every single stop and listen to your schedule, but what’s the point? You shouldn’t hurry to get to your destination, because the journey is the best part.

Women Against Rape

I cried yesterday, cried at my desk and thought how cruel the world could be. How innocence and self love can be tainted by an act that can never be forgotten.

 

You might all know her story by now, a twenty-three year old woman raped and assaulted by a 19 year old “swim star.” The outcome of the trial was disgusting, degrading and absolutely horrific. To give a rapist a 6 month sentence in jail?! That’s absolutely absurd; the punishment did not fit the crime in any way. How this judge was able to do this, how was he able to determine the severity of the crime?

 

Perhaps if this 19 year old “man” was Black, Mexican, or Asian, this ruling would sway a different way?

 

According to the judge, “A prison sentence would have a severe impact on him (the rapist Brock Allen Turner). I think he will not be a danger to others.”

 

Not a danger to others?! He raped a woman who was drunk and could not fend for herself let alone consent to having sex behind a dumpster? This is how sociopaths are created; they get away with their first crime and feel as if they can do it over and over again. I would rather no other woman figure out the hard way whether or not he is a danger to society. The bullshit he stating about going from school to school to educate others on drinking is a hard laugh. What school would allow a sex offender to walk the halls with their students to educate them on how not to rape?! I think that no one will heed advice from the likes of Turner.

 

This is my message from me to Turner:

 

What kind of world are you living where you felt as if your actions were dignified? Who taught you that it was okay for you to take advantage of a incoherent woman who instead of raping you could have helped? You are a swim hero but now you’ll forever be branded as a rapist. Guess what, it wasn’t her fault, it was all yours. From an early age we are taught the difference between right and wrong, what happened in your upbringing? Did your parents let you get away with whatever you wanted? Were you always told that you can do no wrong? Imagine if you had a daughter and she went to a party and she was assaulted? Would you blame her? Ask that of your parents, if it were the other way around how would they feel? I don’t want you to ever get out of jail, I don’t want to know that you’re back with the rest of society. You disgust me and you disgust the rest of the world, stay in jail, go to prison. You are an absolute disgrace to everyone and I say everyone. I hope that when you’re in jail you look back at what you did and realize the severity of your actions. How it could have been prevented if you were a real man and not a boy. How dare you hurt a woman and belittle the trauma that she has felt and will forever feel. You are what is wrong with society, you are a rapist, understand that.

 

To the courageous young woman who let her story be told, I am sorry, I am sorry that this happened to you, I am sorry that the ruling wasn’t fair, I am sorry for your pain. There are countless strangers who have read your story and praise your strength. I hope you don’t’ let what happened to you determine your self worth because you are more than this! We stand by you forever and always.