If you rummaged through my social media and met me, you would think that I am just a happy go lucky girl who’s positivity was all natural.
It’s not, it’s me coping with my ever looming anxiety trying to make you feel less bad for me. In my mind, so many bad things are going on, thoughts of the possibility of my fiance cheating on me, my family and friends realizing that I’m a loser who hasn’t tried to do anything with her life, or that my dogs will all of sudden stop loving me.
As a teen I was depressed, I was overweight and not as pretty as my friends, I had crushes on boys who thought I was a like a sister, I had good grades in school but not the best and I always felt a little empty inside. I was never told I was good enough and for a long time, I believed I wasn’t, even at 27 I still feel this way. There was a point in my senior year that I thought I would just kill myself, I was already into self mutilating, cutting myself and lying about it. I sat in my room and thought how easy it would be just to hang myself. So I tried, I went to into my bedroom closet, grabbed a long sleeve short and tied it around my neck, I placed the remaining part of the shirt onto the closet rod. I drifted for maybe 5 seconds when I realized that the length of time it would take for my neck to break was far longer time than I had. My dad noticed something wrong, he had seen my arms and legs and knew that I was hurting myself, he screamed at me that night; he broke my phone in his anger. I was scared, that moment scared me, but didn’t change how I felt. My best friend German told me that I was selfish for trying to commit suicide; he tried to put in perspective the amount of people who would be affected. I didn’t think of it that way, I only thought that with me gone it would be better for everyone else. It wasn’t until that moment did I realize there was something wrong with how I felt about things.
I became aware, but I never really seeked any counseling, I don’t want anyone to pass judgment on me or feel sorry for me. Depression and anxiety doesn’t happen to me, they’re a part of me, but I’ve learned to live with it. The little episodes happen and I embrace them, I write about them, talk about them even if no one is listening and I let it happen. Little things trigger my anxiety, whether it’s a big event or something small like a messy space. I am really thankful that I have the support of my fiance, he is so reassuring and lets me know that everything will be okay and even though it takes some time, I do believe him. Some times, I do want to be left alone, where I don’t sleep at night because my anxious thoughts keep me up at night. My thoughts are powerful and debilitating but I refuse to let it get the best of me.
I put a smile on my face and give myself some positive thoughts, but take it all with a grain of salt.