I’m Depressed, but It’s Okay.

If you rummaged through my social media and met me, you would think that I am just a happy go lucky girl who’s positivity was all natural.

 

It’s not, it’s me coping with my ever looming anxiety trying to make you feel less bad for me. In my mind, so many bad things are going on, thoughts of the possibility of my fiance cheating on me, my family and friends realizing that I’m a loser who hasn’t tried to do anything with her life, or that my dogs will all of sudden stop loving me.

 

As a teen I was depressed, I was overweight and not as pretty as my friends, I had crushes on boys who thought I was a like a sister, I had good grades in school but not the best and I always felt a little empty inside. I was never told I was good enough and for a long time, I believed I wasn’t, even at 27 I still feel this way. There was a point in my senior year that I thought I would just kill myself, I was already into self mutilating, cutting myself and lying about it. I sat in my room and thought how easy it would be just to hang myself. So I tried, I went to into my bedroom closet, grabbed a long sleeve short and tied it around my neck, I placed the remaining part of the shirt onto the closet rod. I drifted for maybe 5 seconds when I realized that the length of time it would take for my neck to break was far longer time than I had. My dad noticed something wrong, he had seen my arms and legs and knew that I was hurting myself, he screamed at me that night; he broke my phone in his anger. I was scared, that moment scared me, but didn’t change how I felt. My best friend German told me that I was selfish for trying to commit suicide; he tried to put in perspective the amount of people who would be affected. I didn’t think of it that way, I only thought that with me gone it would be better for everyone else. It wasn’t until that moment did I realize there was something wrong with how I felt about things.

 

I became aware, but I never really seeked any counseling, I don’t want anyone to pass judgment on me or feel sorry for me. Depression and anxiety doesn’t happen to me, they’re a part of me, but I’ve learned to live with it. The little episodes happen and I embrace them, I write about them, talk about them even if no one is listening and I let it happen. Little things trigger my anxiety, whether it’s a big event or something small like a messy space. I am really thankful that I have the support of my fiance, he is so reassuring and lets me know that everything will be okay and even though it takes some time, I do believe him. Some times, I do want to be left alone, where I don’t sleep at night because my anxious thoughts keep me up at night. My thoughts are powerful and debilitating but I refuse to let it get the best of me.

 

I put a smile on my face and give myself some positive thoughts, but take it all with a grain of salt.

Advertisements

Women Against Rape

I cried yesterday, cried at my desk and thought how cruel the world could be. How innocence and self love can be tainted by an act that can never be forgotten.

 

You might all know her story by now, a twenty-three year old woman raped and assaulted by a 19 year old “swim star.” The outcome of the trial was disgusting, degrading and absolutely horrific. To give a rapist a 6 month sentence in jail?! That’s absolutely absurd; the punishment did not fit the crime in any way. How this judge was able to do this, how was he able to determine the severity of the crime?

 

Perhaps if this 19 year old “man” was Black, Mexican, or Asian, this ruling would sway a different way?

 

According to the judge, “A prison sentence would have a severe impact on him (the rapist Brock Allen Turner). I think he will not be a danger to others.”

 

Not a danger to others?! He raped a woman who was drunk and could not fend for herself let alone consent to having sex behind a dumpster? This is how sociopaths are created; they get away with their first crime and feel as if they can do it over and over again. I would rather no other woman figure out the hard way whether or not he is a danger to society. The bullshit he stating about going from school to school to educate others on drinking is a hard laugh. What school would allow a sex offender to walk the halls with their students to educate them on how not to rape?! I think that no one will heed advice from the likes of Turner.

 

This is my message from me to Turner:

 

What kind of world are you living where you felt as if your actions were dignified? Who taught you that it was okay for you to take advantage of a incoherent woman who instead of raping you could have helped? You are a swim hero but now you’ll forever be branded as a rapist. Guess what, it wasn’t her fault, it was all yours. From an early age we are taught the difference between right and wrong, what happened in your upbringing? Did your parents let you get away with whatever you wanted? Were you always told that you can do no wrong? Imagine if you had a daughter and she went to a party and she was assaulted? Would you blame her? Ask that of your parents, if it were the other way around how would they feel? I don’t want you to ever get out of jail, I don’t want to know that you’re back with the rest of society. You disgust me and you disgust the rest of the world, stay in jail, go to prison. You are an absolute disgrace to everyone and I say everyone. I hope that when you’re in jail you look back at what you did and realize the severity of your actions. How it could have been prevented if you were a real man and not a boy. How dare you hurt a woman and belittle the trauma that she has felt and will forever feel. You are what is wrong with society, you are a rapist, understand that.

 

To the courageous young woman who let her story be told, I am sorry, I am sorry that this happened to you, I am sorry that the ruling wasn’t fair, I am sorry for your pain. There are countless strangers who have read your story and praise your strength. I hope you don’t’ let what happened to you determine your self worth because you are more than this! We stand by you forever and always.

It’s Okay To Be A Feminist

Feminist – Advocating social, political, legal and economic rights for women equal to those of men.

 

A woman in this day and age will be mocked and judged for stating that she is a Feminist. Feminists over the years have received such a bad reputation often being called man hating lesbians who think they’re better then men.

 

I feel like I can openly define myself as a feminist, not a very good one, but at least I can say that I’m comfortable being one. I believe that we as women should be deemed equal to our male counterparts; we should have equal pay for the same type of work and not be viewed weaker because we’re women.

 

It was kind of eye opening when discussing this with my fiancé, I’ve never pegged him to be the type to bleatingly disapprove of me being Feminist. On our drive home from picking me up we had a half heated argument, he blurting out the misconceptions of what it means to be a feminist.

 

No am I not a man hater, no that does not mean I’m a new found lesbian, no that does not mean I will dress like a man.

 

It pissed me off to see him have these views, he made it seem as if wanting to be equal to him was to be undesirable.

 

Just recently I started reading essays on Feminism and one that really caught my attention was “Bad Feminist,” by Roxy Gay. From what I took, there is still a lot of stigma with being addressed as a Feminist. Gay wrote about that the many women who have accomplished so much don’t want to be associate with the term Feminist because they believe Feminist have radical views. It irked me, it really irked me to see that women of their position and stature not define themselves as Feminists, in fear that they will no longer be desired and liked.

 

I then read the speech made by Emma Watson, a woman in the public eye. Her speech was so refreshing, so honest and resonates so much into our modern day.

 

She started “HeForShe,” a movement for Gender Equality.

 

The movement invites men to lobby with women so that together we can have equality. It’s hard to describe why I feel this matters, I just know deep in my heart and soul that it does. I know that we as people should not be treated differently because of our sex. I believe that it should be okay to break free from the Gender Norms placed upon us at birth, to accept strong and independent women without calling her a butch or calling a man who is sensitive and emotional a fag.

 

Watson states,

“We don’t often talk about men being imprisoned by gender stereotypes, but I can see that they are, and that when they are free, things will change for women as a natural consequence. If men don’t have to be aggressive in order to be accepted, women won’t feel compelled to be submissive. If men don’t have control, women won’t have to be controlled.

 

Both men and women should feel free to be sensitive. Both men and women should feel free to be strong. It is time that we all perceive gender on a spectrum, instead of two sets of opposing ideals. If we stop defining each other by what we are not, and start defining ourselves as who we are, we can all be freer, and this is what HeForShe is about. It’s about freedom.”

 

Feminists want equality, not to be treated better or differently, but the same. Let’s give back a positive outlook for the future feminists of our time. Don’t let the misconstrued definitions of feminism deter you from your basic right to be treated as an equal.

 

Walk this Way…

The Walking Dead Season 6 Will Start with the Most Zombies Ever

 

Okay, I’m late but The Walking Dead premiered this past Sunday and it was AHHHHMAAZZING!

 

This episode was definitely tearworthy, I mean I know I cry a lot but oh my god!

 

There was definitely a lot of character development in this episode alone. If you haven’t watched this episode or the show, go away we no longer need to be friends.

 

Starting from the beginning you see Daryl, Sasha and Abraham driving back to Alexandria when they are stopped by a group of men on motorcycles. Not friendly men, it looks like these were the people who ran them off the road last season! They demand that they give up their weapons and threaten to kill them all, I didn’t pay much to the conversation because in my head I was slowly shooting each any everyone one of them with my bow and arrow. Then as Sasha is begging them not to kill them you hear a boom and splat! Daryl came out of no where with a bazooka?! Bye-bye bad guys!

 

Then next scene is where we left off originally, Alexandria became over ran with the Wolverines, where a lot of our no named townsfolk were brutally massacred, then an infestation of Walkers began entering the town. Obviously those who have lived in the refuge of the town are the first to go, unable to defend themselves, while our heroes and main cast members are left to defend their home (yet again). Rick has everyone wearing sheets adorned with the innards of the Walkers (if you didn’t know, wearing Walker blood and innards will make you practically invisible to the undead). Well any who they are hold each others hands like a chain to ensure they stay together, they finally reach an area where they can whisper to one another. Father Gabriel has a saving grace moment and suggests that he takes little kick to protect her with all he has. Rick completely obliges because he knows that Father Gabriel wants to prove that he is a good man.

 

The rest are to separate to and grab any vehicle they could to get the steer the Walkers away with the noise of the cars. Morgan and Carol awaken after being struck by one of the captive Wolverines, he holds the lesbian lady doctor Denise hostage and tries to escape out of the overridden town back into the woods. As they make their attempt to flee, Denise is suddenly surrounded by Walkers, the Wolverine guy comes to her rescue and is eventually bit, Denise claims he can save him if he takes her to the infirmary, he obliges and off they go.

 

Back to the scene of Rick, Carl, Michon, Jessie, Ron and Sam desperately grasping onto one another’s hands, Sam keeps playing the threats made by Carol in his head, which is weird because he just basically told his mom that he was going to be brave. Sam freaks out and lets go of his mothers hands and boom a walker senses the commotion and goes in for the kill. Jessie is in shock and SCREAMS and basically reveals their cover, Rick tries to calm her down but can’t, she too gets eaten but is still holding onto Carl’s hand. Carl tries to get out of Jessies grasp, at this moment I’m thinking oh my god Carl is a goner. Rick wields his axe and chops of Jessie’s hand, knocking Carl to the ground. Then the other dumbass son Ron gets a hold of Carl’s gun which fell to the ground just as Carl had and boom Carl is shot in the eye. Michon thrusts her sword into the back of Ron and he instantly dies, stupid kid!

 

I am crying at this point of the show.

 

Back to Denise and the Wolf, as they are walking through the town with Walkers in toe you hear another gun shot and down goes the Wolf by Carol and her gun toting ways. Denise witnesses Michon and Rick with Carl in his arms running into the infirmary. Denise knows right away that any movement or commotion made in the infirmary would attract Walkers but she knew she had to save Carl. In rushes Rick, frantic to save his son’s life, Denise begins as the Walkers get closer to their location. Instantly Rick runs outside wielding his knife and attacks any Walker that would dare near the infirmary, obviously he is panicking with the fear or losing Carl.
This is when you see such great character development, as Rick is on his own defending his son and their home out comes Michon, Aaron and Heath to help in this fight. As the other town folk peer through their window they too get a sense of courage and start making their way through the crowd of undead, slowly but surely all the townsfolk come together and are fighting for their lives.

 

I’m tearing up and have goosebumps, because this needed to happen to strengthen this town, it needed to.

 

Father Gabriel is holding Little Kick Ass as he peeks through the window, he is with a group of church goes trying to find solace, he passes the baby to another member as he tells them “We’ve been prating together, praying God will save our town. Our prayers are answered. God will save Alexandria because God has given us the courage to save it ourselves,” I broke down in tears as he says this because he encourages those with him to get out and fight (obviously not the lady with the baby but you get it). Joy overcomes my heart, what happens to Maggie, Glen and Enid, I’ll get to that just wait…

 

So Glen and Enid are in the church looking for tucked away weapons, Enid is hesitant until Glen tells her who he’s living for. You hear Glen name off those who have passed away in the past seasons as Enid says she will live on for her parents. Glen and Enid devise a plan where Glen will distract the Walkers so Enid can save a pregnant Maggie from her demise. Maggie at this point is unaware that Glen is still even alive and when she sees him attempting to lure the Walkers away she nearly collapses out of happiness. Glen shoots any Walker that makes his way as Enid tries to save Maggie. Glen is surrounded and once again you feel as if a beloved character is going to die. Gunshots are fired and Abraham and Sasha have come with Daryl to save the them!

 

There are so many tears and so much shouting in my bedroom right now, the episode is coming to an end and so much hope has been restored. Daryl remembers an idea that was given to him long ago, he flows the petrol from their tank and sets their lake on fire, as this happens the Walkers notice the flames and one by one walk into the lake meeting their demise.

 

What a great ending right? I am so excited for what’s to come this season I think it’ll be one of the better seasons to watch.

Everyone’s Talking About It…

 

download

 

Have you seen the Netflix original series, “Making a Murderer”? No!? Well get out from under your rock and give yourself a good 10 hours of free time and take this journey along with everyone else in the world.

Essentially it’s about Steven Avery a man who is imprisoned for 18 years for a sexual assault he claimed he didn’t commit. What, how?! Well speculation is the police from his small town in Wisconsin were out to get him. There had not been any concrete evidence indicating that he was the perpetrator of this assault and 18 years later DNA evidence was brought in and secured Avery’s innocence and short term freedom.

 

How about that?! Don’t get me wrong I appreciate the justice system and I praise the police officers who work in my city, but this was horrendous. You sympathize with Avery because he spent almost two decades in prison for a crime he didn’t commit. His life was in shambles upon his return, his wife left him, many people were on the fence with the decision that brought him freedom. You’re rooting for his success at this point but then you realize there are 8 more episodes.  Avery slowly began to pick up the remnants of his “life,” even finding love, he planned to sue the county and local officials for $36 million. Which I think is absolutely fair considering HE WENT TO PRISON, can you imagine being in prison for 18 years knowing you’re innocent and having to interact with people who have murdered and raped people, God knows what this man endured in there.

 

You can say at this point that Avery was definitely going win the case and be that much richer. His trial was widely publicized, receiving a lot of support from state and government officials.  You see the wide array of county officials backtrack their statements, just to cover their asses. I was angry at all these strangers, what could be going through their minds to unjustly imprison this man.

 

The plot thickens…

 

It’s obvious he should have left town, especially since you’re suing their police department right? As you watch even further you learn of them harassing Avery’s girlfriend, sending her to jail and all I keep thinking is leave, leave, leave. What would you do in this scenario? You’d want to go before anything worse can happen, before they find something else to pin on you right? Well he didn’t heed our unvoiced concerns and something unfathomable happened. Theresa Halbach a local photographer goes missing and who do they suspect first? Avery! I was absolutely disgusted, considering the police was wrong before, who wouldn’t say they were wrong again this time?

 

Do you remember the DNA that set him free, well this time DNA sent his life spiraling back out of control, I sat there thinking, “You have to be fucking kidding?” They searched through his home 18 times, by the way that’s an absurd amount of time but definitely plenty of time to plant some evidence. After the 18th search through Avery’s home, police find the key to Halbach’s missing car with Avery’s blood behind a shoe. The worst part was they brought Avery’s slow witted nephew Brendan Dassey into the mix; investigators coerced Dassey to admit guilt without the presence of parent or lawyer. These investigators were feeding him information that he couldn’t comprehend. You see Daseey’s story and it’s mind blowing to see how the justice system failed him as well, his scummy lawyer was there to get famous, not having any real intention to prove his clients innocence.

 

In the end you get the sense that the whole town was against this family, really making it a point to cast them out, dismissing crucial evidence, harassing family members, you feel for them. But you also have to consider that every story has more then one side. I like many others believe that Avery and Dassey are innocent, but I also believe that there needs to be a re-trial to really prove that. In this matter there are no real winners, Theresa Halbach lost her life too soon and Avery and Dassey are spending their lives in prison. If this case was once again tampered with, then we still have a murderer out there, if Avery and Dassey really did murder Halbach then we spent hours upon hours as sheep trotting with the crowd.

 

One thing we have to consider is how their justice system has failed at this point, failing Halbach, Avery and Dassey.